You Have Been Drafted Into the Great Coronavirus War
You are hereby ordered to report for induction into the ARMED FORCES of the UNITED STATES.
War has arrived, and over 200,000 of us could die.
This war, unlike all previous wars, is a war against a virus: SARS-CoV-2. The coronavirus is our enemy this time, and the theater of this battlefront extends from our hospitals into our very living rooms.
We have all been drafted into this war. Until April 30, we are to stay home unless our sources of employment are deemed as absolutely essential. Even then, we are called to employ the tactic of social distancing at all times, employed or not, on duty or off. We are to wash our hands for 20 seconds, frequently. We are to self-quarantine. We are to cook for ourselves or if possible order takeout from local businesses to help keep them afloat. We are to provide education and child care to our own kids. We are to put our own needs aside, and worry about the lives of our fellow Americans. Even if we are young and healthy, we could transmit this virus to someone else and get them killed. We must fight for the immune systems of those whose immune systems can't fight alone.
Because you have been drafted by this involuntary call to service for this nation, you are to immediately begin receiving conscription pay just as you would if drafted for a more typical war. This income will be in addition to any other income you are receiving from other sources.
According to current rates, as lowest ranking enlisted soldiers, base pay shall be $1,681 per month. As all active duty military also receive a tax-free monthly allowance for food, called Basic Allowance for Subsistence, you as newly enlisted shall also receive a monthly food allowance of $369 per month.
As draftees living off base, you are also entitled to a tax-free basic monthly housing allowance (BAH). This allowance usually varies by location, but because this is an emergency, an additional $950 per month will be added to your basic pay, with an additional $1,000 per month per kid in all households in recognition of the larger homes that families reside in, and also in recognition of all the extra care work going on in households with kids thanks to schools and day cares being closed.
On April 1, you are therefore entitled to receive a check for $4,500, as is every adult in your household, with an additional $1,500 per child in your home. This amount includes two weeks of back-pay for your service in March in addition to your pay for the month of April. If the President chooses to extend your length of service into May or the months beyond, you will receive additional checks for $3,000 per adult and $1,000 per kid on the first of each month.
Thank you for your service. You are a valued citizen of this country, and without your service, millions could die, and this great nation could fall into ruin. Your nation recognizes the sacrifices you are making for the greater good. Although you had no choice in the matter, your service is recognized for what it is - essential to the future of the United States of America.
See you on the other side, soldier.
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